Why I’m now offering in-home family photography…

I want to share a little bit about why I’ve decided to offer Mommy & Me sessions as part of my brand (it’s something I never thought I’d offer) and I want to share where the heart for it comes from:

I don’t speak to my mother. It was not an easy decision but it’s one that over the years has brought me so much peace. Not everyone gets it and for those who don’t and think poorly of me for saying as much - I’m not the photographer for you. If you have an open or curious mind though read on.

I grew up the eldest daughter of 7. It was a high control environment exacerbated by self-righteous religious behavior and homeschooling (while I have nothing against homeschooling and think it can be done beautifully - it wasn’t in my case). It was pretty isolating. While I’m now grateful to call my siblings some of my dearest friends despite years of us being triangulated, I really longed for other humans. My extrovert self knew there was more out there. While I identify as a creative ambivert (I’m a homeschool bookworm who still loves the sun, hammock, and a good book) I most certainly am no introvert.

The mother wound cut deep.

At 14 my father got me horses. They were a bandaid on a gaping wound that gave me just enough dopamine to cover my raging depression - I didn’t want to be alive. I was never suicidal but it felt like if I could just cease to exist that would be ideal. I had no words for it at the time. Mental health wasn’t discussed and it felt like something was wrong with me and it was my fault for being to sensitive.

I entered an extremely toxic nursing home work environment as a CNA at 17 but worked every single waking hour I could my senior year to stay away from home. This began a career of mediocre jobs and workaholism that barely got me by and wreaked havoc on my health.

I eventually chose to pursue my associate degree in digital media technology. This was a decision that took much prayer as I debated between it and graphic design but video and photo truly had my heart as I reflected on the little pink point and shoot camera that I’d taken such horrible photos of my sibling on - yet still cherished and was glad I took.

Intermission: SNAP, SNAP, SNAP! Take the photos. You won’t regret it. Even though I believe in the power of a trained eye, crystal sharp photos, and prints to enjoy I also believe in filling up all your phone storage with photos. Do it!

Video and photo just makes sense to me. From a technical sense there will always be more to learn. Creatively always more boundaries to push. I love it.

Since we’re talking about love: I married my childhood crush in my early 20s. Life was looking up. Then I got hit with another paralyzing bout of depression when we bought our house. Managing a home and having a career seemed impossible and I slipped through the cracks of possible internship opportunities when I moved back to Green Bay, WI. My self esteem was at an all time low as I wrestled with worthiness around work and my mother wound. I spent an extensive amount of time in the deep dark hole of YouTube coming to terms (and discovering them) for what I’d gone through but it was ultimately very helpful and I started stabilizing with the help of antidepressants and therapy. Life advice - sometimes you need to try more than one therapist. That’s okay. It’s important to find a good fit.

I thought I was doing pretty good. As much as is possible (when restoration is impossible) I had forgiven her. Then I came face to face with a major trigger around her treatment of my siblings. Full blown RAGE journalling ensued for several months as I’d be hit with more things I had to get out. My 20s have been a lot about surviving, coping, and finding my footing. Last year I had the beautiful experience of working through a 12 step Christian program called Celebrate Recovery with a bunch of women. I chose to focus on my codependency and boundaries and am reaping the rewards both personally and professionally of that time.

The truth is I’m nearing 30 and I don’t know if one ever fully heals from their parents behavior but I think we can get pretty close to it.

When I started out as a teenager I was rarely believed by anyone. There were a couple rare humans and I was extremely grateful for them. I actually wasn’t able to call what I went through abuse until I was well into my 20s. Not being able to label it meant that I’d say “oh she’s depressed” because even that felt to mean.

I didn’t know I suffered from depression until I was curled up on my bedroom floor early in my marriage. Only then when I felt safe was I finally able to come to terms with the negativity that had been implanted in my head and facing it took a long time. Only then after several years was I able to recover from it. I now get to experience life not depressed. Which is WILD to me! It was the fall of 2019 when I went on an antidepressant and had the most insane winter where I wasn’t depressed at all. Not even seasonal affective disorder. Magic.

In my 20s and moving to Green Bay vs. the countryside I started meeting more people who were open to sharing about their past traumas. The stigma around speaking about it lessened. Not only was I coming to terms with it but I was beginning to see that others were hiding it too. Only after my own peeling back of my story would they share that they too had gone through something. I started meeting more women who didn’t speak to their mothers. In fact it’s almost an intuition now. They could be a teenager or a woman over 60 but suddenly we’re talking about our recovery from trauma. About finding our worth, reprograming our brains, stepping into new possibilities. I’m in awe of all of them and proud of them. I get it and I know they get it too. It’s not a trauma comparison but a growing joy in our collective ability to grow and change for the better.

One of the things that has happened in my 20s while I’ve been living my life and fighting for my mental, physical, and financial health is that some of my incredible friends have started having babies. Just the cycle of life. Or is it?

Perhaps it’s because the bar was set so low for me but watching my friends cheer their children on, praise their eldest daughters relationships with their siblings, and fiercely not only say they want the best for their children but do good for their children warms my heart.

I’ve been on my own healing journey towards someday being a mother myself. When I first started healing my mother wound it was by surrounding myself with women older than me. Women who poured into me and cared for me in ways I’d never experienced before. Knowing that women who weren’t my mother could be so kind and caring anchored me to myself. It helped me know what happened to me wasn’t my fault. I actually had some pretty amazing qualities and was an okay human.

I’ve recently been taking on some inner work around mothering myself in my life and work and it’s just beginning but I know it’s going to be so powerful.

Seeing my friends (especially the ones I’ve known since college but honestly all of them) take on motherhood though has up-leveled the whole journey. As I watch them raise little humans I’m in awe of how they speak to them. It’s such a breathe of fresh air to see who they are as humans continue authentically into the nurturing of their children. I get so excited to see them raising their humans especially if they have a fantastic relationship with their mom. I am fired up over the possibility that perhaps my granddaughter will get to parent like that. I want to celebrate when motherhood is modeled well and capture these precious moments for them. I also know that even if you have an incredible mother that doesn’t mean life doesn’t throw some pretty hard challenges every human’s way.

As I work on my growth and wait for my season I felt deeply compelled to serve other mothers during this time. While I think all my friends are perfect moms I definitely don’t think I will be. I have a lot of trauma I’m working on and generational chains I’m breaking. I think most moms are hard on themselves and I suspect I’ll be a little hard on myself too. You don’t have to be perfect for me to want to celebrate the healing work you’re doing. It truly blows me away that my heart turned towards this calling in this season. I wouldn’t have seen it in the cards. But God.

It has been inner magic and joy to see my heart soften so strongly towards this demographic. I’m honored to capture family moments and while it’s about the whole family my hope is most of all that you dear moms see your worth and purpose in the photos I capture of you.

I think celebration changes things.

I think seeing yourself through someone else’s lens changes things.

I would be honored to be a part of your healing motherhood journey.

~ Priscilla