EP 5 - Walk The Talk - a vulnerable January and February update

Transcript

Vulnerable Jaunary and Feburary Health Update_mixdown

[00:00:00] Priscilla: Hey, welcome back to the podcast, and This is going to be a very vulnerable, which I'm no stranger to being vulnerable on my Instagram, but this is going to be a very vulnerable podcast episode for me. Different from other stuff that I've done in the past, and the reason for that being I just need to lay it all bare.

[00:00:19] So I recorded actually this episode in January, and it just didn't feel right. It was long, it was lengthy, I was in a really Low spot, ironically with my health and just like mentally mostly. And then on top of that I had some work things that were happening and just launching the podcast and interviewing a lot of guests.

[00:00:46] I had a lot of people I interviewed in this like January, February space. So all of those interviews are up and coming. And because of this, because I was doing so much recording on top of the other stuff that I had going on, I was tapped out in terms of editing. And now I've figured out my editing workflow, so that's going better, but I just really ended up in this place of perfectionism, imposter syndrome, and a lot of things.

[00:01:15] That happened with the launch of this podcast and those things actually had an impact on my health In some interesting ways. I look back at Where I've been with my health starting say in 2021 when I first got my PCOS diagnosis And all the years leading up to that like the education that I needed around Nutrition education I needed around just taking space and fitness For myself and that I'm still educating myself on and I had this thought this past week If we knew how long it would take would we even start and I think the answer should be yes But we're often looking for that quick fix I am you are we're being marketed to it like lose 10 pounds in 60 days What if?

[00:02:11] Losing the 10 pounds took three or four years. What would that be like for you? Would you even do it? Would you dedicate yourself to it? If you knew how much work it was going to take to feel better, to accomplish what you wanted to accomplish, would you do it? And I don't know. Just like on my health journey, I find myself tripped up on this a lot.

[00:02:37] And I really always need to re evaluate myself because we want the quick fix, right? And even if we commit to a longer fix, which is what I felt I did in 2023 I signed up for this six month program with these doctors, which six months feels like a long time, right? And I did get a Lyme's diagnosis out of that.

[00:03:01] But a lot of it, a lot of the health, stuff and like the restrictions. So like the low carb lifestyle that was promoted and stuff. Like I was losing weight, but it was basically almost keto. It wasn't, but it was. And so I was losing weight, but it wasn't sustainable. And so coming off of that and coming back into more what I would describe as health and balance And nurturing and caring for myself, which both ways i'm caring for myself, right?

[00:03:31] But just as i've been reflecting on that it's been a year since I started that program and looking at where i'm at now I'm, I would say my health is definite. My health is definitely better, but it's not necessarily better Because of the program and that is like wild to say like it is better because of the steps and the education that I've taken to get myself to where I am today and To consistently show up every day and say I deserve to be fed I deserve good food and like good food can be like nourishing Emotionally, I'm not really an emotional eater but like good food can also be nourishing just in I'm going to have this food with my friends and maybe it's not the most nutritious thing, but I'm in the moment and I'm experiencing this moment with them.

[00:04:24] And also it can be nourishing in in a, I get to take myself out of a poverty like mindset. Like I get to have the fruits and the vegetables. Take a little bit more time or purchase the healthier thing even though it's more expensive when I'm eating out and I say that is in if I wanted to pick Objectively like if I wanted to pick Qdoba over McDonald's like maybe we're saying okay maybe neither are great but one might be better than the other and one might feel better for you long term and feel more nourishing And so that's where I found myself.

[00:04:59] Thinking, okay, I deserve to be able to make those choices for my health. And I've made those, but really just, and this is where I think coaching all the coaching and doctors are going to talk with on this podcast really becomes incredibly handy because There's a difference between the coaching that I received in my doctor's program, which I was not really a fan of, which was just basically cookie cutter, apply this program to your lifestyle to individualized, personalized coaching.

[00:05:30] And because I've had that actually with a different dietitian that I worked with early in 2021 it really set me up to be a critical, Person in regards to the types of coaching that I want to receive. I don't want to receive something that's cookie cutter I want to receive something that's deeply personalized for me, so I just wanted to put that out there because I think That's been like a big part of it is i've had some of that i've worked on that and I find myself In those ways coaching myself like I really had to coach myself out of January into February because I don't remember if i've talked about this on the podcast or not, but I joined this.

[00:06:15] Thing at work, which is like a biggest loser, which I'm not a big fan of but I was like, you know what? I'm going to sign up. I'm gonna pay the I don't know if it's thirty thirty five dollars. I'm gonna pay this I'm just gonna use it as a way to approach my relationship with my scale. So I have a Rough relationship with my scale because often it would trigger feelings of unworthiness for me So my relationship with my scale would look like I'm not gonna weigh myself because I can't handle it or I'm going to weigh myself every single day.

[00:06:44] I'm going to be so picky about it. And if I go up for me, I'm larger 1 pound is nothing. I know some people will be worried about 1 or 2 pounds, but usually I'd be worried if I went 3 or 5 pounds up. Then I'm going to be worried, because then that might be weight that's going to stay.

[00:07:00] Whereas 1 to 2 pounds, sometimes even 5 obviously I can fluctuate 5 pounds in a day. From like morning to night.

[00:07:07] So when I would weigh myself it would be either or, either obsessively, like I'm going to weigh every single day. And sometimes I'd weigh myself twice a day, and that is just like bad. So it would either be like that, and then I'd get in this, back in 2019, I would get into this rut of I'm going to eat only salads, or I'm going to eat what you would think low carb, or just eat healthier, because I don't want the scale to go up anymore, and trying to control that.

[00:07:37] So there would be that side or it would be I'm not going to weigh myself because I can't do it because of what I've done in the past, that previous stuff I talked about. And so it would just be this

[00:07:53] avoidance, this denial of what is happening. I'm not saying that in necessarily a bad way because I think there's a part of that where it was really important for my healing. I needed to just let myself go, the scale is just a scale, it's, the numbers should not be how you're evaluating your overall health, your overall well being I'm not even saying like that getting rid of the scale is a bad thing.

[00:08:17] But I'm just saying that for me, I am now in a place where I thought, okay, if I join this challenge, maybe I can get over what we might consider like a trigger. Like I can set the intention. This thing is for Fridays. Every Friday, I'm going to weigh myself sometimes I've weighed myself on Saturdays because I forget on Friday mornings and then post it into the group so that I have this accountability to stick to it, to get out of the avoidance, the denial.

[00:08:47] But then there's been a couple times in January where I'd want to weigh myself like more than once a week, like I'd weigh myself on a Friday and then a Monday would come and I'd be thinking about the scale and I'd be like, I want to step on the scale and I want to weigh myself. I could be like, no, you said you were going to weigh yourself on Friday.

[00:09:02] You don't need to weigh yourself on Monday. So it's been good in that way, but it also was a little bit triggering for me. I joined maybe with like semi delusions. I don't think so, really. Because I knew I was going to recommit to my health, but I knew I wasn't going to do anything drastic to lose weight, which is one of the things I don't like about these challenges, and they post about this in the challenge, don't do anything drastic to lose weight, but when you're putting money on the line, people are going to do drastic things, so I don't know if you can get around that, so I already set aside if I would win money, then that wouldn't be a big deal But I don't think I'm going to and I'm totally okay with that and that was the intention that I thought from the beginning.

[00:09:42] This was more about my relationship with the scale and to see over the next four months how I did and if I went down or up. Because I know, that I'm not going to lose weight in a dramatic or crazy way because I don't want to harm my health in that way. Cause that can imbalance your hormones, that can do just a whole bunch of things and I'm not going to lose my progress for this thing. So in January this actually was like a big mental focus point for me and created a lot of tension, a lot of obsession.

[00:10:19] Especially since I think I was around like 320 and at like different periods I would go up to 326. No, I think actually when I first weighed in I might have been at like 322. So I went down to 320 I think and then I went back up to 326 and now I'm back to 321 or something. So there's this fluctuation that happens and so like mentally testing myself to not be obsessed or upset about that.

[00:10:45] So that's been hard. And Actually, I haven't seen like the scale really move. Which has been really good in a sense, because it means that I'm able to stay full, I'm able to be nourished. The scale's not moving and I'm maintaining weight. I'm not gaining. Now, technically I did gain, right? So when I started last year, at this time I would have been 346.

[00:11:11] And I lost weight down to technically like 299 or something. I know I like broke the 300 mark sometime in april, July, somewhere in between there. And as a result of that, I was doing I was fitting in my clothes better. I was feeling good in that way, but like I was just like ravenous and hungry constantly And so there's like a compensation that happened After losing that weight where I like gained some back when I stopped the crazy restriction But I'm okay with that because like I'm not at 346.

[00:11:46] 346 was an uncomfortable weight. This is weird to say, but I am most comfortable in the body I currently am in I have been in this body the longest, I think pretty much around the 330, 315 mark since 2021. So that's three years. And this is like the longest since I've been managing my health where I roughly stay in there.

[00:12:12] Compared to that, all those nine years, I was gaining weight and that was a really like scary place in the sense that my body was changing every year, my wardrobe needed to change every year. I wasn't used to my body and now I've been in this body for three years. Me and her are friends. We know each other.

[00:12:29] I know what she looks like. I know what to expect. And I'm comfortable in this body. I wasn't comfortable at 346 because that was again new, uncomfortable with swelling. And like now I have a lot less swelling and inflammation. So that makes me even more comfortable that like my swelling and inflammation has gone down still in this body. Like now we're even like better. We're feeling even better together. So I just wanted to put that out there that this is like the most comfortable I've ever been in my body. Me and my body are good, but like sometimes I would play mental games with the scale and that was hard.

[00:13:02] And would like mess with what we were doing. So this has been good. Like it's taken me, we're in March now, so it's taken me Two months to really get a handle on the weighing myself once a week. And I think that this challenge has been good in that way because it faced that fear, addressed it, dealt with it.

[00:13:23] And then, I wanted to talk about adding physical exercise. I missed my pure barre class. Today, so I've added some pure barre into my workout And I joined that around February I think because they had a February deal for Valentine's or something I was like, you know what if I can do a price point on my classes where if I go Each class is this much and if I miss one Or if I don't go to them, then I miss out on my money Then that motivates me versus paying for a gym membership Where once you pay for it for the month whether you use it once Or 30 times.

[00:14:00] It doesn't really matter. You paid the same amount. So the unlimited use thing or go as many times as you want Doesn't seem very motivating and I think that's true for a lot of people with their gym membership. So I was like, oh this pay per class thing actually Works actually makes sense and feels good to me So I did that and it has been good.

[00:14:21] I struggle sometimes with time management And Thinking I have more time than I do, and also, full transparency last night, my husband and I stayed up way too late watching, I forget what it's on, it's called Mr. and Mrs. Smith because I like the Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie movie of that, so then this one is a series of this couple, and it's a little bit different than the Mr. and Mrs. Smith with Brad and Angelina Jolie. But so we've been watching that, and I've been liking that, and we stayed up too late. And we're really trying to work out of this staying up too late. When we know we should go to bed like old people. We think we're young, we're not. We need to get our rest.

[00:15:07] And so there was some of that. It was, I was dragging a little bit this morning. I just couldn't get going. And I was gonna be late for my class. Only three minutes late, but they don't let you in. If you're like three minutes late, they don't let you in. And that's hard for me. I've been thinking about the biblical example of, I don't know if it surprises me, that's why I'm saying this wrong probably, but they were waiting for the groom or something and the girls, I think five had their oil lamps and five didn't.

[00:15:34] I'm butchering this story, but that was the thing that's been on my mind lately because me and my therapist were talking about this. Why is it that I'm either like right on time, Or like a few minutes late with a lot of things. And is it like, a lack of prioritizing these things? And I don't think so, because this is something that's a priority for me, but then something like this happened, and I just Part of this, what, this instance I didn't set myself up well to succeed the night before.

[00:16:02] But I've been struggling. It's been hard. And so if I say I'm going to be like 15 minutes early and I really tell myself I'm going to be 15 minutes early, then I end up being 5 minutes early. It's just this weird thing, like 5 or 10 minutes early. So I'm working on that. That is something that I'm going to figure out because it's like this stumbling block in my life and I want to sort that out.

[00:16:28] That's just like a precursor to today. I don't know why I went into all of that, other than to tell you that this is something that I'm actively working on. And it matters that we keep actively working on these types of things.

[00:16:40] Now you pretty much know the whole story. I joined Pure Barre because of the Monthly class package I could spread it over two months So I'm going to try to do that for another month or so and I'm hoping use this Motivation to motivate myself to do other physical activities as well.

[00:16:56] I was also a little fatigued this morning, so I don't mind that I didn't make it to Pure Barre. Actually, I was like, it's okay, because my body is tired. Last night I felt like throwing up. I don't know why. I don't know if we just ate too late, or if it was something I ate. But I was like, it's okay.

[00:17:13] My body's tired. We don't need to push her today, but we'll push her again. But I wanted to say, and this is where this was all leading, is that it has taken me so long to get here.

[00:17:24] I don't think I could have done Pure Barre. I don't think I could have done the physical exercise until now. The timing is right. And if I would have tried to, should, Myself piled shame on myself and said that I should have done this in 2021, and that's the thing any fat person is always told is eat less, move more.

[00:17:45] You know what, it doesn't work when your body has no energy reserves. You're eating because you need to fuel your body, right? And you're still exhausted and you're still tired. And so how are you going to work from an empty tank? And I don't think. People totally understand this or realize this with energy and I think it's the being invisibly sick versus Being healthy like if you're healthy, of course, you're gonna feel good and exercise is going to make you feel good But if you're not in a place where you can do that if your energy is really low Exercise is just going to deplete the reserves That you already have and you have very limited resources of and you're trying to build up and so this is to like When you're depressed and they're like, oh, exercise will improve your depression.

[00:18:32] Yeah. Could we fix my depression so I can actually go exercise?

[00:18:36] That's just kind of one of those things that's where an antidepressant came into the picture for me for a few years because like I Needed that to be able to Eat healthy to take care of myself and now I don't have that. I don't need that But maybe that's not the case for everyone depending on our brain chemistry, right

[00:18:57] Yeah, so now I don't need the Antidepressant and I'm I've been good But it's still a struggle sometimes for me to make sure I'm eating and taking care of myself And so unless I'm doing that really well unless I'm taking care of myself unless I'm managing my blood sugar. It's hard to have the energy and I also think like I've been focused a little bit more on vitamins and minerals Obviously like we have multivitamins and stuff, right?

[00:19:26] But i've been focused more on vitamins and minerals lately And how I feel that way for my body and I really think I've been trying these mineral mocktails, which I know isn't necessarily the greatest for my blood sugar, but I think it feels really good for my body because our soil is depleted. We're not getting all the nutrients we should get from our food.

[00:19:46] And then on top of this, obviously like I have a lot of supplements that I take. And so whether it's supplements or prescriptions, and different stuff can deplete other things. And I'm not saying my supplements are depleting me, but I'm saying I'm trying to treat with supplements something that maybe is a lacking vitamin or minimal or just maybe not totally lacking, not going to show up on labs, but it's not optimal.

[00:20:09] So that's where I'm exploring, that's where I'm playing, because I want to see if I can improve my overall well being by just like really taking care of my body and my body feeling really good and really nourished. And if I'm really nourished, then I'm going to have the energy to do the physical activities.

[00:20:29] And I don't know, I don't know where I'll look back on this in a couple years or how I'll feel about it. But I do know that's where I'm focused on now, and it's just such little small life changes that have taken me to this place, and if we'd all know all the little changes, all the hard work that it was going to take to feel good, to achieve, I think we'd still do it, ultimately, because we want to feel better, right?

[00:20:55] But we'd be upset. And we'd probably be looking for the quick fix. And I think Growth sometimes is slow and beautiful and there are some things we can fix right away. We can get a diagnosis. We can fix that. But there are some of these things that take longer. And that's okay. It's still worth going on the journey.

[00:21:14] It's still worth taking care of your health. You get this one body and this one life. So you should take care of it. At least, that's my take. I hope you take that away too. We don't need to stop looking for the quick fix. We need to look at our lives and say, what can I address right now? Is there something I don't know?

[00:21:33] Is there education I need? I'm big on education. I'm big on adding knowledge because you don't know what you don't know. And so I hope this podcast provides that for everyone. But yeah There might be something you don't know about your health. And these little pieces are going to fall into place piece by piece.

[00:21:51] And they're not. They may, but they're probably not going to come in like one big revelation and suddenly now things are fixed. They might. But for majority of people, I think it's going to be a slower process, and I think it's okay. I just want to give like encouragement and hope. Three years into my health journey, wow, this has taken longer, and I'm still technically in that same weight range that I was in 2021.

[00:22:17] When I got my PCOS diagnosis, I was like 330, I think. And I dropped to 350. I'm like lower in that area, but that's 10 pounds over 3 years, but like the energy, the health there's so many other markers than weight. And I just feel so much better. And I've just grown so much as a person in the journey as well. So that would be my encouragement to everyone who's going through any type of health struggle. That's been my journey. I'm telling you a little bit about my journey. I'm telling you where I'm currently at and my current struggles. And these are such good current struggles to have because they feel so much better than depleted, not having my period, being exhausted all the time, dealing with depression. I am coming out of the other side. And it doesn't mean that every day is great. But I am coming out on the other side. And maybe it takes you three years. Maybe it takes you five. Maybe it takes you ten. I don't see this journey as ending for me.

[00:23:24] I don't see this journey as not being something where I'm not going to need additional levels of support in the future because what ultimately happens to all of us, this is a dark thought, but I just want you to dwell on it for a little bit, right? We are in this place of thinking I want to be healthy or I want to lose weight.

[00:23:43] I want to be healthy is actually different than I want to lose weight. Those are two different things. Okay detangle that. Weight is often a symptom of something going on that's unhealthy, so we gotta treat, like we hear this talked about, like the root cause, what's going on. But also, I've been spending a lot of time thinking about my body, and I love you.

[00:24:05] I love you, body. Thank you for taking care of me the best way that you could. Obviously, you're trying to self preserve. You're trying to keep me running as long as possible, and you're compensating for something not going well. And all these stigmas that we have societally about weight and stuff, or assumptions of how people should look I don't need to take on any of that.

[00:24:28] But at some point, I want to lose weight and I want to be more active. That's okay. And I've just been saying to my body I'm really grateful. Even to my belly. I'm really grateful. That, when I was eating all these toxins, when I was barely staying afloat, when I was struggling, when I was working a lot of hours and eating like fast food, and unable to cope.

[00:24:51] You were taking care of me. You were storing away fat. You were protecting me from the toxins. And now that's like a scary thought, and I don't know if all of what I'm saying is factual, but it's just like what I'm thinking. That now I have to release this and that's going to be releasing the weight is going to be like a heavy burden for my detoxification system.

[00:25:10] And so part of all these years has been like, building up my body's resilience and strength. And even to like the fact I'm grateful for you. You are protecting me. You are taking care of me. I just wanted to put that out there, but then I wanted to get back to what I was going to say that was a darker thought.

[00:25:25] Think about this. Our bodies, ultimately, -And we know this scientifically- are ultimately doomed to die. Our bodies are a temporary gift. They're given to us for a short period of time. We should do all we can to optimize our health so that we can enjoy life and accomplish great things.

[00:25:49] I believe that. I want that for myself. I want that for you. But ultimately, even if I like build my health up really well, And I hope I do because then I'm elongating the period of time where I'll be in good health and my body is functioning optimally and that will be incredible. But ultimately every single person and their body goes into a state of decay.

[00:26:14] And when you go into that state of decay, you have to cope with it. And so there's a part of that that I've been on and like right now, if you are struggling with a chronic health issue, there is hope for you. You can make it better. You can lengthen your life. You can do it in a way that is still joyful.

[00:26:35] And you can make the most out of the time that you are given on this earth. You can do that. Right now. And someday you'll still be able to do that, but you'll be maintaining What you can while your body says, okay, it's time. We all want to be the active 100 year old. Like that's amazing, right? We don't want to be like 70 and stuck in our chairs. Cause that's just when we're thinking we're going to get to enjoy retirement.

[00:27:03] And now you're going to be stuck in your chair and you're going to like. Miss out, even if you like only say live. My life expectancy is 86, according to my insurance. Even if I only lived for another 16, 17 years after, like I, I think I'll retire at 70, I don't know if I'll do 65. But even if I only lived those years, I would want those years to be really good, right?

[00:27:23] But at some point, they're going to slip. My body's just going to stop optimally functioning. My body's not going to be able to protect me. As well as she is right now, like she's doing her best to take care of me. She's struggling with a chronic health issue But there's hope and there's healing if you're at this stage you can do something about it.

[00:27:45] Like even if you're later in life, you can do something about it Deal with the chronic issue Make it better make your life better and Do it with the knowing that someday Your body is going to expire. It's time is up. But that's not today.